I Need A Hug [Perché Il Piccolo Bimbominkia Cristiano Desideroso D’Affetto Che C’E’ In Me Non E’ Mai Morto]

Ho ritrovato la fede, tant’è che ascoltando il Messiah di Handel raggiungo orgasmi multipli come i grillini e gli ambientalisti dopo i risultati del referendum. Però parliamoci chiaro, non voglio il Paradiso: per come me lo descrivevano al catechismo deve essere una rottura di coglioni allucinante. Preferisco il Purgatorio: del resto, tutti partono dal basso; guardate la Santanchè. A furia di fare pompe a nani da giardino è la première chienne presente in TV. Sai che mal di schiena doversi chinare ogni volta a 20 cm dal suolo. Scusate ma la metafora non è utilizzata per il mio outing (quando diventerò omosessuale vedrete dei cambiamenti significativi sul mio profilo di Facebook, oppure qualche burlone all’università si sarà divertito a calunniare in pubblico i miei gusti sessuali). Non è neanche mancanza di coerenza: tempo fa scrissi in un altro post (e non ve lo reindirizzo perché mi duole veramente il culo cercarlo fra centinaia di post inutili) che dell’esistenza o meno di Dio non me ne fregava assolutamente un cazzo, facendomi chiamare in questo modo apateista da qualcuno di voi. Il cambiamento sostanziale risiede nel gusto meraviglioso che si prova a bestemmiare sapendo che qualcuno, anche frutto della mia immaginazione, possa offendersi a morte. Ovviamente ho un piano per non finire all’Inferno per tutto il turpiloquio scaturito da partite a PES o Cavalli lasciati in presa come i fagiani uccisi alle volpi. Ricordo ancora la mia catechista che diceva Anche Hitler può essere nel Purgatorio se negli ultimi istanti di vita avesse rimpianto tutto il male che ha fatto e chiesto perdono a Dio. Quindi, l’essenza del mio diabolico eccellente piano consiste in questo: rispettare il terzo principio della dinamica di Newton, ovvero, a ogni buona azione far corrispondere un’azione cattiva: oggi parlo male dei negri, domani aiuto la nigeriana che sta al palazzo vicino al mio a portare la spesa (sperando che me la dia: mica faccio tutto aggratis, io!). In questo modo dovrei ritrovare l’equilibrio spirituale necessario per trovarmi nel Purgatorio; in caso di bestemmie/cattive azioni compiute e dimenticate, c’è sempre il pentimento finale in punto di morte.

Ora spieghiamo una cosa: l’immagine a inizio post. Mi sento solo, tanto solo. Le persone da cui vorrei un po’ di affetto o sono lontane geograficamente o distanti miliardi di anni luce col pensiero (nel senso che non mi cagano) [E se pensate che stia facendo per la seconda volta outing vi sbagliate, luridi orsi, lettori miei: non mi avrete mai! Così come mi disse la laurea quando entrai la prima volta all’università]. Quindi mi consolo cercando immagini deficienti su Google, metterle su un post scritto a caso per poi parlare di cose totalmente differenti e per nulla coerenti [Chi ci ha mai creduto alla mia coerenza, appena lodata prima?]. Fa tutto parte del mio piano meravigliosamente effimero di conquista del Purgatorio.

Solo che ha una piccola falla.

Il Purgatorio non esiste più.

Pazienza. Come diceva Bill Hicks, datemi l’Inferno e il mio fottuto rock ‘n’ roll!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Altrimenti sono fottuto…]

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    Ah, comunque, John, secondo me è solo bisogno di figa. E ti assicuro che ti capisco perfettamente.

  103. Kirill scrive:

    Nel captcha mi parla del Corollario di Ilabor

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